BEETLE BOOP

23:23

Mmmm sandwich:

Sandwich!

Dear lady: You are dreaming. You are never going to be happy. You are fooling yourself. You are sort of aware of this. You are going to piss off a lot of people. You are already one of them.

Brian: "I've even given up on writing. I can't create anything."

Andrew: "Yeah, well, sometimes you've just got to write about nothing."

B: "I covered an entire page with 'nothing nothing nothing' and the other side with 'bored bored bored bored...'"

A: "That's all you can do sometimes.. 'More boring than watching the radioactive glowing dust on your watch decay', 'more boring than a calculator party' ..."

Brian searches for his place in the world. He's worried that he's not living up to what he's supposed to be. He knows he isn't what he wanted to be. I don't know what to say to that, really. If I had stopped trying to do 3D programming when I lost my Amiga, and decided that I wasn't what I wanted to be and now I was screwed, I wouldn't be able to do it now. I did feel like that for a while, but what was I going to do besides try it again? It'll be too late to change things when I'm about to DIE, that's how I feel now. As long as I'm doing what I need to be doing to get to where I want to be, I'm doing good. I've been finding out a lot of things on the way. I never knew I was going to have to sacrifice this or go throught that before I could get anywhere. It was kind of surprising. I am still learning about how reality works. This is this, ya know?

I guess I should tell him that it's not too late to be whatever, and that to be something else, you have to give up what you are now. And not the "change superficial crap but stay the same superficial-crap-changing person" crap, either. (Crap crap crap) I mean...shit... I hardly ever get to play video games these days. I couldn't change little segments of myself and leave the other parts totally untouched.

Then again, it's not like I sat there, fists clenched, concentrating and muttering "change! dammit!" I wasn't thinking about self-improvement when I started learning theory again. I was thinking about theory and how interesting it was. Maybe we're all doomed to become what we actually want to be.

For a while I thought people in Italy spoke French because this book I was reading had all french words in what Mom said were "italics".

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