| Aug 24 ,1997 | |||||||||||||||
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midnight:34
Man, I certainly feel useless today. The pointlessness of existence was making everything look flimsy, grease soaked cardboard.
Of course, sitting around thinking about how pointless everything is would then be doubly pointless. Okay! We're going to pretend
that EVERYTHING we do is REALLY REALLY important! I feel more lively already! Pushing the keyboard keys in my self important way.
This is pretty important stuff, maybe I should push them more slowly. Tick. Tick. Tick. The next few hundred ticks will end up doing something
like describing how I went to eat a muffin today, but then I dropped it and a bum grabbed it or something. (I didn't. Example.)
Right here, he's thinking of how pathetic this is. Today(23) was used at Julie's house eating burritos and having affection showered upon me. The whole band was there, mind you.
We also got headaches trying to play four player split screen games on a 19" television. Then we played uno. Then, I looked at a cat.
Then, a molecule of oxygen went through one of my lung membranes which I don't know the proper names for. (It's all so important! I'll never get it all down!)
Today(24) is the "hempfest". (It's from 10 am to 6pm. Hopefully that's around when 'The Simpsons' is over.) We're going to learn all about "hemp" and what smart people use it for. All I know is, hemp jewelry is some
ugly looking stuff. Kind of like lint rope.
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I guess it is around the time when I always leave the house, walk to the 24 hour grocery store, buy some cheap crappy sushi, and wind up smelling
vaguely fishy until I fall asleep. Routine. My hands are tingling, right now, with anger at myself for falling into this stupid rut. (I think. Maybe they're tingling because I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.)I don't see the world
as a scenic route where you stop and sit around for a while whenever you like, proceeding at your own pace and taking in the sights. Maybe that will be me
in 5 years. Right now the world is an indy car race, and if you just STOP for 30 seconds, you are HOPELESSLY BEHIND. I feel hopelessly behind.
I'm that way because I'm too fucking lazy to just DO things. I'm very good at making up reasons why I can't. Sure, they are good reasons, but if I went and
did stuff BEFORE thinking up the reasons, they would seem a lot stupider.
I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and get up-and-at-em, get things done. I'm going to sleep in and do nothing, and then go watch a bunch of stoned people convince themselves that they are doing something meaningful. That's just it. Although I can try and try to be really really good at SOMETHING, it still winds up meaning exactly nothing. So why don't I feel suicidal? There are certainly enough examples of people who have become wrapped up in the tragedy of their own life. "Augh! My shirt has a weird little stain on it! I can't go on!" *bang* It's Sunday, and sunday is drek day. This is one of the pages where I'd be writing very big to take up lots of space without having to articulate myself. I would have written nothing but nine or ten pages of "Fep". I don't know why not. What's the difference? God, I sure wish I'd SHUT UP. - Michelle, best friend I've never met |
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