SURFACE PATTERNS

0:47

Location: Still Unknown:

Ed is moving out in three weeks, off to live back in San California with the best and brightest. Arrangements have been made for the employer to pay off his housing obligations here. I'm still not exactly thrilled. I'm not exactly anything. It may be that this is optimal.

You are worth two loads of dirty laundry to us. You have delivered two loads of dirty laundry to us. You are of increasing dirty laundry value to us. -- Ordos Mentat?

9-20-98 #3: Too distorted, overdriven
Great Puppet Massacre: Too fucked up to use
Eternal Foo: Too fucked up to use
Blind Silence: Too fucked up to use



I baked today, first time in years. I don't have any recipes with me, but after making certain things over and over, they kind of stick. It is good to know it still works. I BAKE STUFF!

Ed commented that he had never seen all the philosophy texts I had. This is probably because I don't wander around the house carrying them. "I didn't know you were into philosophy." What do I say to that? "Yeah, wanna talk about something pretentious-sounding?" Hum. Actually, I might have said that.

It was FEARED. And because of its shape, it was called Einhander. -- Einhander.

No ideas today, about how things are going. No things, really, to be going. No going that could be. No being.

Because it LOOKED like an Einhander.-- Ed

No, no, no, wait. I'm definately here. I'm right here, and all my stuff is arrayed around me. (eh...saying that it is "arrayed" makes it sound like it starts next to me and stretches off in a line) Some of my stuff is meant to be making music, and the other stuff is for writing code. Some of it doesn't do anything useful at all. What does an organism do, once its basic needs are fulfilled? I'm practially guaranteed survival, it seems. I'm not gonna die because of starvation or disease, at least, not soon. From the survival-is-all point of view, the most useful thing to be doing is to prolong future existence. (ance?) Squirrel away money, influence, or food (or ideas.) for leaner times. From my point of view, all that is considered maintenance. What do I DO??

It might be true that rejecting all belief systems causes focus-killing apathy. Those christians, muslims, scientologists... some of them are driven to complete incredible deeds. They must believe it COUNTS somewhere, somehow. I don't think so, right now. I only seem to do things out of shame, or tired inertia, or some echo or remnant of an earlier motivation I don't understand. It makes my conscience sick to let skills atrophy like this. I program every day, but I don't pursue every problem as if it were some kind of jewel. I don't even seem to open my eyes all the way. These days I can solve problems with persistence alone, squeezing the questions in my head until they are worn down raw by probability. There's no elegance anymore. There's no massive intuitive leap from start to finish, followed by the logical connection game to find out if it was right. It's only plod. plod. plod.

The scope of this feeling might only be today. Maybe it's this week, or maybe it is meant to cover two and a half years, 1 month, 8 days. I will get out of this, probability or no. My religion can be based on carbonated beverages, or it can be centered around disbelief of everything. blah blah blah Noam Chomsky yadda yadda anarchy blah obscenity blah blah fuck the police (nonsense) therefore, history is evil.

Well, here's reality again. In reality, I need some differently colored underwear. "Black Watch" plaid is just so 1.1.1970+906017404, you know what I mean? (ow! My hip!)

Ha. Ha. I think I know what I need to do. It is not going to be pleasant for anyone involved. Ha. Only serious.

Ooh, it's time to talk to the screen.
(silence)
Hey! Acting stupid! Hey! You're so naive, my ass! No one is laughing!
(mhrmmmhmnmmrm)
I wonder how much of what I say is verbatim Milk & Cheese.
(read read read)
Ha!
Sigh. I...

Happy Birthday, Kris.

Copyright me, obscenities like mad, 1998.